Tuesday, November 24, 2015


Perspective can lie to you sometimes. Well, it does that a lot, actually. Especially when you're this small. Everything seems so big and up-close and...real. I was once even smaller, and the things that were then so mesmerizing, only turned disappointing as I grew. Almost like watching a magician's trick: so breath-taking, confusing, and delightful all at once. Slowly I inched up to the stage where I was able to observe closer. This man wasn't doing anything special at all. The trick was just that - a trick, an illusion. Why did I think it deserved my attention in the first place? My perspective: the position from where I viewed and judged what crosses my path - it fooled me. Again.

What scares me the most, though, is that as I said before, I am so small. I feel like I'm seeing things finally clearly, but I know that's definitely not right. The path before me is long and winding still. I have much more to walk than what little I have covered. Infinitely more there is to learn, to change, to trip over...

But do I expect someday to know everything? Is there some age when my experiences start to guide my life into perfection? Well, no. I guess that's not a thing.

I'm a control freak, maybe. I want perfection, and I want to master and achieve it on my own, because I can't will myself to trust anyone. Being unable to accomplish this feat, I am terrified. My lens is constantly shifting, and though the world is coming slightly more into focus, I don't even have a decent grip on what "in focus" is supposed to look like. It's miserable. I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

It's all slipping through my hands, and I don't know what to think or believe about anything. But hey, could this be a good thing? Wading through the blurry confusion, amidst frustration and fear, I am reminded of the only One who isn't held back by human shortcoming. I have Him to help and guide me for crying out loud, and the control freak inside me has to realize that His way is ridiculously more peaceful, joyful, and rewarding than those countless times I thought I saw a flower and it turned out to be a pebble.

What an excruciating process it is learning to acknowledge my inferiority, to let go and be okay with Jesus' lead. But you know, there is peace. And there is reward. For though we are as good as blind, the greatest Hope is in front of us: it's just a matter of grabbing hold, and while the fear and anxiety still lingers, and occasionally you'll imagine something pretty in the opposite direction, every once in a while He will give you a glimpse of the whole story. And it is beautiful.


  1. Wow, Chauncea, I just found your blog, and this post is so spot on! I've been feeling similar recently; so inadequate and helpless, and yet clinging onto my pride... Life's about learning and letting go, I guess, and I'm only just beginning.
    Thanks again for sharing, and I'm glad to have found your blog! Keep it up the good work!

    1. Thanks so much, Jessica! It means a lot - I'm thrilled to have posted something you could connect with.