Saturday, January 30, 2016

I'm working on it

I know, I know. I'm pretty inconsistent with this blogging thing. There's not much I can do about it, though, except promise I'll try harder. And we shan't stress about it anymore today.

Typically I'm a horribly inconsistent person when it comes to doing the things I want to do. It's such a significant issue in my life that my little tagline over there includes it: I have too many hobbies. Singing, painting, guitar-ing, drawing, writing, ukulele-ing, 4-hing, acting, sound designing, journaling...and now I am having all sorts of grand ideas, like I want to master the arts of calligraphy and arm knitting and photography. Everything sounds super fun in theory, though I eventually inevitably find myself depressed about how I'm not keeping up with all of it. I want to be the best at everything I do, and even the black and white fact that there is only so much time in my life to do these things isn't an acceptable excuse for imperfection.

I'm working on it.

... And there's the vicious cycle; now I'm trying to perfect being imperfect. You see, it is a problem.

But seriously, I'm getting better. The trick, I've discovered, is to take the failures as they come for what they are, and simply...realize this is the way it is - obsessing over it will quite simply make the problem worse. I just need to move on and leave the past where it belongs. Keep going. It will be okay, just keep going.

On to other topics, school is going fabulously well this semester! I mean, it's only been a few weeks, but for the first time in highschool I feel confident that I will actually complete every subject I intend to finish by the end of the school year. And I'm having fun. I love (most of) all 8 or 9 subjects I'm going through, and productivity is one of the sweetest feelings I've yet to come into contact with.

I'm making some money finally! God has opened up doors for me to do childcare for different church functions. I am incredibly grateful - for one, I have been needing to find a way to earn a little money before my time opens up and I'm able to get a "real" job in the summer, and this is an absolute perfect fit for me. For another, I'm constantly surrounded by adorable babies, and in an odd way it's giving me a more positive outlook on life. It is so interesting to observe babies and toddlers: I truly believe they are the purest form of humanity...the untainted, unfiltered stuff. You get to see the bubbling over with joy, the fascination, the innate sinfulness, the reactions to discomfort... And then, they're cute. That's always a plus.

I've been writing more poetry. In British Literature, actually, I finally learned about feet and meter and all of that fun technical poem stuff. I think it's typical nowadays with modern poetry to throw these "restrictive rules" aside because they block the freedom of creativity. I found out I think it's great though - it presents a sort of new challenge, and gives more reason to be proud of the finished product. And let's face it, I'm a rule-follower. Rules give me a sense of security, I guess. When left to my own devices, I get so confused that I end up creating a new set of restrictions. So anyhow, with all of that being said, I learned how to write a sonnet. Sonnets are hard to write. But after months of trial and error, my first full one has emerged, with iambic pentameter and all that. I am not sure if it is any good or makes sense, but for now I am simply proud of the fact that it's finished. Ironically enough, it is essentially a poem about writer's block. Enjoy.

Empty mess

The vacant, hollow stack of shelves do stare
Indefinite silently vacant wait
And wait for words that do not come o'er there
Or care to make appearance as of late
I sort through piles of words to organize
In shuffling I can't find where to start
So mounds of letters fall before my eyes
Then sweep away to form no thing of art
To maybe decorate this barren wood
Has ever proved so ugly my mistake
What words I find don't sit quite like they should
And I can't display things for their own sake, but
Perhaps an empty page communicates
Unfathomable mess the mind creates

Well, that is all I wish to say for now. This entry felt very different, but then again I never set a standard for how I want each of my blog posts. No rules. Here I go once again wanting to have the security of a cookie-cutter life...and I suppose that's not a bad thing in all situations to stick to a standard, but I do want this blog to be one place with true freedom of possibilities. And you, dear reader, only come along if you wish. Thank you for taking time even to read this post, and I sincerely hope for whoever you are that your today is lovely. Until next time!